Can I Still Believe In Myself If I Don't Have Abs?

A Sunday recovery roundup about what it takes to not be a self-doubting little shit.

“There are those who discover they can leave behind destructive reactions and become patient as earth, unmoved by fires of anger or fear, unshaken as a pillar, unperturbed as a clear and quiet pool.”

— Dhammapada

I had this moment this week with my therapist, Marty, where I talked about how, even at the age of 49, I do not know how to ask for what I need. This is some deep-down Adult Child stuff that I haven’t fully extracted yet and is one of the main things I work on in my recovery program.

But the other side of this is that if I start to ask for what I need, I'll have to turn into someone I don't like very much. I correlate asking for what I need with being "overly aggressive," which makes me think of this person I follow on Instagram named Andy Elliott. 

Because I follow mostly BJJ accounts, my algorithm loves to pepper me with all sorts of alpha-meathead superstars–your Rogan rip-offs, your Jordan Peterson clones, a whole bevy of slick-looking hucksters marketing themselves as life coaches or entrepreneurs or multi-marketing level geniuses who will TEN X you into the stratosphere or until your brain bleeds all over the computer screen. On dark nights when I’m looking to self-soothe, I hate-watch these freaks until my eyeballs are two dry little orbs almost falling out of my skull.

Now, Andy Elliott bills himself as a "sales coach," specializing in the automotive industry. He's a hulking, heaving man with very tight clothing who straddles a fine line between coaching and being an outright bully. He actually said this in one of his training seminars: "If you don't have a six-pack, you can't work on my team." In one session, he called up a particularly unlucky young car salesman and then asked him to remove his shirt in front of a roomful of his colleagues. "I'm not buying a car from someone who looks like that!"

(There was a later follow-up video of the man with a new ripped-up physique thanking Andy for motivating him and helping unlock his full potential.)

I know–complete insanity. But then there are small moments here and there where Andy says things that make me feel like I need some of whatever he's selling. 

"You cannot care what other people think and believe in yourself at the same time."

"The reason your paycheck is small is because you've chosen the amount of money you can make–choose a bigger number." 

"Do your kids look up to superheroes? Do you look like a superhero? You don't want superheroes to inspire your children–you should inspire them!" 

I hit Marty with this dilemma, fearful that I'll turn into Andy Elliott if I push myself too hard to make more money writing or selling Small Bow coffee mugs. Marty pushed back and offered a suggestion.