Can You Still Love Your Family Even If You Hate Them More Than Life Itself?
Check-In reminder and November's best stories. Plus--the usual rundown of my weekly recovery routine.
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A friend of mine, who I'll call "Cecil," had a full-on Al-Anon Thanksgiving, with all the requisite shit-fighting and melodrama one would expect at that sort of thing. The usual suspects were involved–siblings, drunk moms, and drunk uncles saying mean-sounding drunk-uncle stuff about politics. Everyone at the table was overloaded, emotionally and chemically speaking.
My friend is in several of the programs, both adult beverage and adult child adjacent. And he made a choice not to blame all the family drama on drama; he saw it for what it was: alcoholism. So he threw his program across the dinner table at the problem and hoped for the best.
He told me he intervened not by screaming but by simply deescalating with love. At one point, as his uncle laid into his sister, he said, "Hey, I love you, and we just disagree." How skillful, I thought, as I ran through some historic holiday blow-ups with family and friends, wondering if the relationships could have been saved if I'd applied that little "I love you" part. What sort of communication lines would have opened up for me? I think back to that holiday season in 2015 when my father and I went after each other like two deranged bighorns. Would that have turned violent had either of us said, "Hey, I love you, please don't do this.”? It's also difficult for me to say "I love you" in the middle of anything, let alone an intense argument.
Even when I have felt that ethereal, super-sober human warmth inside me, I still can't pull that lovingkindness stuff off—when I'm cornered or insulted, I usually clam up and save all that good rage to take out my insecurities on someone who doesn't deserve it at all. Also—how do you not sound patronizing? "I love you, but please stop this hurtful thing…" I’d get punched in the face.
But I want to be that guy — you know, love guy. Maybe loving people who make me feel terrible can give me the much-needed bravery and self-respect I have been searching for my whole life.
Cecil wanted me to add that despite all that high-level program stuff, he didn't save Thanksgiving. Everyone continued to be angry and unkind. People cried, and no one made up. It was a total wipeout.
On that note, this is a reminder for you to send us your Holiday Check-Ins for Tuesday. So how are you?
Our December Check-Ins run on Tuesday—so we need your help. Tell us what’s up with your recovery as we head into the holidays—share your triumphs, setbacks, or whatever else is lifting you up or dragging you down. Help us help you help everyone.
The perfect length is 150-300 words.
Here's a GREAT example of what we're looking for.
“I consider myself more of a food addict, but alcohol can definitely be a problem. I spent 2024 getting my healthy habits in order and have lost 50 pounds as a result. Cut down on my drinking and feel more like myself on a regular basis. Enter the holiday season and I already feel the pull to bad behavior. Last December, I did a whiskey advent calendar, and, by Dec 31st, was in the emergency center, bleeding out my asshole. I’m afraid of finding myself back there again—feeling like shit every morning and barely getting my kids off to school. I’ve worked too hard over the last 11 months to throw it all away now. But I know anything is possible.”
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Now, let’s showcase November’s most popular stories. After the jump, you’ll find the full list of stories, including TWO holiday bonus stories from our archive, and the usual weekly rundown of my recovery routine from last week.
THE MOST POPULAR STORY IN NOVEMBER:
“When Things Fall Apart (Again)”
by The Small Bow Orchestra
“I'm currently sitting on the guest room bed, in the room where I've lived since telling my soon-to-be-ex husband that I wanted a divorce back in May. I can hear him in the master bedroom right now, moving around, getting ready for a calm work-from-home day. I haven't told him yet that in 24 minutes I will learn if I'm getting laid off. A suspicious early morning meeting with HR was placed on my calendar for today, and there have been rumors of layoffs, so it makes sense that the end is coming. Today. In 23 minutes. Plus, I hate this job, and they really like me but are so totally disappointed in my performance that it would make total sense to say goodbye. I've been looking for a new job for two years and have had zero success. I used to be successful. I used to be in demand, but now everything seems to have evaporated. Is this because I'm 51 now and age discrimination is real? Or is it because I was never really any good to begin with? Or is it something-something, the economy-something? I am not sure, all I know is that I'm being pushed off this cliff and relying on faith I don't really have to keep me calm as everything falls apart around me.
There are 18 minutes left until the HR call. I'm hoping for a good payout and that they will let me keep my laptop.”
OTHER POPULAR STORIES FROM NOVEMBER:
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