How to Pray

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Let’s get this Sunday.

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Before I did my journaling and fear list, I would pray. Every morning and every night. On my knees, the whole bit, like a good little AA soldier and a child of God.

This was the morning set:

Third Step Prayer.

Followed by:

"God direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man."

Then I'd freestyle. Mostly a prayer for people I hate/am afraid of:

"Please pray for "***, *****, ****, and that they may find peace and tranquility today." *

Then...

The Lord's Prayer

AND then I'd bring it on home with...

"Let your thoughts be my thoughts, let your words be my words, let your actions be my actions."

"Please remove the desire to drink, use, and be angry today."

At bedtime, I'd look over to Julieane half-asleep, and she'd settled in listening to my night routine. First, I'd fire off the St. Francis of Assissi:

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Then I'd round it off with:

"Thank you for today, thank you for my sobriety, thank you for my family."

Very ambitious, I know.

Then, about a year ago, I stopped. I don't know why. It's like I'd forgotten one day, then the next, and before long, I was just in bed with the phone in my face, zapping my brain in the worst way possible.

This week, I started again. Not every day yet, but the reminder is there. And it's a good reminder because I can't hate myself so much when I pray. I avoid the mirror on self-hating days because I can't look at myself. On the worst self-hating days, I can't even make eye contact with my children because I'm so disgusted with myself. I have had a run of those days the past month, so I decided to kick the tires on the old prayer routine and see if it could soften me up. Of course, it did. It's a good thing. Do you guys pray? If so, let me know what you got in you that works?

A few years back, I asked readers to write their own prayers. Here's one:

An Addict's Request

Dear [GOD?]

(or whomever)

This is bullshit, and I hate it

Please help.

– Hannah H.

(There's more behind the wall, as is the rest of the Sunday log. Tap in. It's good for you.)