The Undeserving

My brain is a neverending puzzle. Thich Nhat Hanh. Julia Wertz.

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This week wasn't a great one for my depression—I had a rough spell on Monday (or was it Tuesday?), and I'm still fighting through it, but I am lost in a Zyprexa fog. Permission to use bullet points until it clears? Thank you.

• I finished the first TSB (Season 2) podcast interview with Emily Gould, and we talked for almost two hours about bipolar disorder and the medications we've used to combat it. It came up that it's uncommon to hear about celebrities who successfully manage being bipolar and I couldn't think of anyone offhand but there is actually quite a surprising list.

• After we spoke, I tried to recall the first time I knew I was a little off and the moment I kept returning to was this interaction I had with one of my friends. I think I was about 20 and we were walking back to his house during a hot day and he was drinking an iced tea out of one of those 64 oz. cups you get at 7-11, minding his own business, quenching his thirst and then I, for some strange reason, just knocked the drink right out of his hand. THWAP! He looked at me with such confusion and worry. I remember struggling to convince him that I was joking around but I knew that it was nothing like that: I had simply let go of the wheel to see what would happen without any real concern about the outcome. I had so many of these types of interactions with people that had darkened, if not completely ruined, friendships. It’s difficult to think about.

• One big thing I learned from a recovery meeting this week is that I have had trouble understanding “I deserve good things” is not the same as “entitlement.” Turns out I’m not the only person who struggles with this, since one little Google search revealed a handy explainer: “Feeling a sense of entitlement is not beneficial at all to your well-being nor the well-being of others. Deserving comes from a place of having a healthy and balanced self-esteem.” Ah. So that’s why it’s hard.

• Oddly enough, it turns out I ran into some mental health trouble around the same time last year. In a TSB issue from May of 2023 I made a vague mention of some "big, heavy things happening" and me not handling it very well. In the process of working through that particular depression, I referenced this 2020 Edith interview as an excellent reminder that I need about "three seconds of courage" to pull myself out of it:

TSB: Have you acquired any new fears in sobriety?

Edith: Yeah. I've had fears of never connecting with someone again, fears of never having kids. Fears that I would just sit there forever and never be funny again, never be cool or make anything that people like again. I think all those have ultimately been fears of not having courage. But I have found that extremely brief moments of courage are all that is needed. I saw something once on a blog about the concept of having "20 seconds of courage." (Originally, it came froma Matt Damon movie.) That's all you need to set a ball in motion. I'd say it's more like three. Three seconds of courage can completely change the course of one's life. Whether it's saying hi to someone, signing up for something, sending an email, or publishing a story. I think to myself: "I need to be my exact same self, just with three seconds of courage, once a year." 

• Speaking of old Edith stuff. This is circa 2019.