How to Be Defective

Breakthroughs and God Shots live from the pits of despair. Tracy K. Smith. Anthony Veasna So.

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On Friday morning, there was a step-study meeting at my men's Adult Child group. It's June, the sixth month, so we dug into the Sixth Step, the one where we become "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." The man who volunteered to lead us that morning is new-ish but vigilant about his recovery. He was soft-spoken but also a real hard-ass. He was also an open crier. I like his style.

And he came prepared—he had his defects typed out on his iPhone already. As he read them off, one by one, I nodded along. One of his last defects was something I'd never heard before—he said that he’d made a bad habit of "being vulnerable with the wrong people." Half the room—myself included—noisily grunted.

We are not supposed to crosstalk, but when it was my turn to share, I did address that part directly because I was always sure I was manipulative in more ways than I could ever verbalize, but that nailed it. I was constantly emotionally scheming people—always feigning sincerity and loyalty and tenderness. "But how else would I ever get someone to like me?" I said. Everyone laughed—the raucous noise from broken men in search of repair. 

Dark humor aside, I did share what I considered a pretty monumental 12-step breakthrough. "I've discovered that one of my major defects of character is being so hard on myself about my character defects." More grunting. Lots of "Mmmhhmms." (Nothing better than those "Mmmhhmms.”)

Then, I finished strong. "I deserve better." Applause all around. 

After the meeting, some of us milled around the church's stairs, including one of my sponsors, Eddie. "I forgot to tell you, but the other night I was at a bar, I turned and looked up at the TV, and there you were." Eddie is a big man in that gentle, bear-huggy way, and he goes out of his way to not upset people, so he was delicate about the next part of the story. He told me it was a show about the Hogan v. Gawker trial¹. "They showed you in the courtroom, and you looked so scared."