Well, these made me cry at work today. Thank you to everyone who shares. I wailed to my therapist yesterday that i mustn't be doing the real work if everything feels so hard, if I come to her repeatedly each week with the same problems recycled. And these check-ins reminded me that many of us feel this way. I am grateful for these shares.
I just love every single one of you. Your vulnerabilities, your struggles, your willingness to speak from the depths and the highs ... it makes me so grateful for my sobriety, in a wild and circular way, because it means I understand and am awed by each of you. love love love.
I'm trying to stay in the moment. I am really afraid. I'm not sleeping very well at night between 2-5, which were the hours I'd wait up for him in the early days of this disease when we still lived under the same roof. My son has been out of pocket for a month. This is very out of character. Even though he's been on the streets off and on in LA for a decade by his choice, he always checks in every few days or weeks with a borrowed phone or an IG text. There has been no online activity and no messages. Last night I led an Al-Anon's Speaker Meeting for the first time in my life, and I told my story - our family's story - how it was, what happened, what it's like now. It went okay. I am not afraid when I'm in the rooms but alone at home I'm afraid. I'm trying to breathe. My husband set up native plants like milkweed, black-eyed susans, and goldenrod for me to plant in our front yard and that helped yesterday. I don't know whether to start looking for our boy or wait. Twice, in the last eleven years, I posted on social media "Have you seen him blah blah blah?" when things got too quiet for me, and he was outraged when he turned out to be fine. MOM! HOW COULD YOU? I hate this cruel and progressive illness. I need to breathe. Embracing Step One all over again...Turning it over and over and over. Thank you for this place to check in while I'm listening to a meeting on my phone.
I really appreciated this month’s check-ins. Thanks to everyone for being so open and sharing. There was a lot that I could relate to. Recently, I have been really trying to focus on my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I’ve been struggling internally for years; as long as I can remember really. I’ve somehow managed to be a high functioning depressive person, but as I get older (I’m 45 now) the masking of/functioning with my depression is getting harder to do. I am working on giving myself permission to acknowledge this fact and to allow myself the space to heal. I stumbled upon TSB back in June and the community here has been so amazing –including these monthly check-ins. I’ve been to a handful of TSB meetings. Hearing other’s share and pushing myself to say things out loud that I never have before has been so fucking restorative. After one meeting where I was able to talk a little bit about my own history with depression and suicidal ideation, I sat in my yard and wept. I haven’t cried like that in many, many years. I hadn't said any of what I shared out loud to another person before. Even though I only shared a small amount, it felt like a gift to release it. Through all of this work towards tending to my mental health I have realized that my relationship to alcohol is problematic. Actually, if I am honest, I’ve known it’s been a problem for a long time. I don’t have any war stories about my drinking, I’ve been lucky I guess, but I feel ready now to accept that alcohol is stealing so much of the good stuff from my life. I am 2 days into my sobriety journey and I am grateful to be starting in the Fall when everything feels crisp and new again. Anyway, thanks for being here everyone.
Well, these made me cry at work today. Thank you to everyone who shares. I wailed to my therapist yesterday that i mustn't be doing the real work if everything feels so hard, if I come to her repeatedly each week with the same problems recycled. And these check-ins reminded me that many of us feel this way. I am grateful for these shares.
I just love every single one of you. Your vulnerabilities, your struggles, your willingness to speak from the depths and the highs ... it makes me so grateful for my sobriety, in a wild and circular way, because it means I understand and am awed by each of you. love love love.
Same same same ❤️
I'm trying to stay in the moment. I am really afraid. I'm not sleeping very well at night between 2-5, which were the hours I'd wait up for him in the early days of this disease when we still lived under the same roof. My son has been out of pocket for a month. This is very out of character. Even though he's been on the streets off and on in LA for a decade by his choice, he always checks in every few days or weeks with a borrowed phone or an IG text. There has been no online activity and no messages. Last night I led an Al-Anon's Speaker Meeting for the first time in my life, and I told my story - our family's story - how it was, what happened, what it's like now. It went okay. I am not afraid when I'm in the rooms but alone at home I'm afraid. I'm trying to breathe. My husband set up native plants like milkweed, black-eyed susans, and goldenrod for me to plant in our front yard and that helped yesterday. I don't know whether to start looking for our boy or wait. Twice, in the last eleven years, I posted on social media "Have you seen him blah blah blah?" when things got too quiet for me, and he was outraged when he turned out to be fine. MOM! HOW COULD YOU? I hate this cruel and progressive illness. I need to breathe. Embracing Step One all over again...Turning it over and over and over. Thank you for this place to check in while I'm listening to a meeting on my phone.
I really appreciated this month’s check-ins. Thanks to everyone for being so open and sharing. There was a lot that I could relate to. Recently, I have been really trying to focus on my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I’ve been struggling internally for years; as long as I can remember really. I’ve somehow managed to be a high functioning depressive person, but as I get older (I’m 45 now) the masking of/functioning with my depression is getting harder to do. I am working on giving myself permission to acknowledge this fact and to allow myself the space to heal. I stumbled upon TSB back in June and the community here has been so amazing –including these monthly check-ins. I’ve been to a handful of TSB meetings. Hearing other’s share and pushing myself to say things out loud that I never have before has been so fucking restorative. After one meeting where I was able to talk a little bit about my own history with depression and suicidal ideation, I sat in my yard and wept. I haven’t cried like that in many, many years. I hadn't said any of what I shared out loud to another person before. Even though I only shared a small amount, it felt like a gift to release it. Through all of this work towards tending to my mental health I have realized that my relationship to alcohol is problematic. Actually, if I am honest, I’ve known it’s been a problem for a long time. I don’t have any war stories about my drinking, I’ve been lucky I guess, but I feel ready now to accept that alcohol is stealing so much of the good stuff from my life. I am 2 days into my sobriety journey and I am grateful to be starting in the Fall when everything feels crisp and new again. Anyway, thanks for being here everyone.