I think I found the small bow from this essay. It's perfect.
I spent my first sober NYE at home with my parents. I flew from rehab directly to their house for Christmas, desperately clutching a copy of the Four Agreements someone in rehab had given me. A man boarding the plane indicated he had the seat next to me and I had a complete panic attack because he was outrageously handsome - I usually got drunk on airplanes and tried to make out with whoever was next to me. He was very gracious with my insane awkwardness and asked me if there was a particular reason I was reading the book. I mumbled something about "taking a life class." He told me he was 5 years sober. We ended up having a great conversation and I did not get drunk and try to make out with him, and it felt like a great omen. Honestly I don't remember Christmas except that my parents took all the alcohol out of the house. I was mortified because I have two brothers who aren't alcoholics and I was ashamed they had to "suffer" because of my issues. I remember NYE. I spent it in bed with my parents. We all had pajamas on and watched a movie and I drank tea and was 5% proud of myself and 95% sure my life was over.
This NYE, 14 years later, I woke up (at my parent's house again for the holidays) to my 7 year old puking on me but I'm 100% sure I'm in the right place doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
"I was a hipster jerk-off then, but I went to find some molly." Sobriety brings a real reckoning with the self. Addiction is me thinking I'm cool, but everyone seeing through me to the suffering and pain. I don't have to hide anymore. Life will still be a vibe, the highs and lows as it should be, but I don't have to use over it. A guy in one of my meetings always yells out "USEFULNESS" when we're saying the 7th Step Prayer. It helps.
This poem hit me in all the right places. There are one liners in there I am going to spend days obsessing on/about. Heather Cox Richardson wrote a book on what happened at Wounded Knee, the massacre, that is worth reading but will leave you with a gut punch that will forever change December 29th inside your soul
Such a perfect sentiment-- if you're not ready to quit, that's OK. You can't choreograph a jumping off point-- they manifest on their own, and the recipe is top secret. For those of us on the other side of stopping, the job is to wave and encourage, to say, I think I know a way if you're interested. Now, I recognize this messaging might lead one to continue using (as if we needed a reason). But my experience has been that love, empathy and sweet-fucking-identification work so much better than judgy finger-wagging. Just keep moving towards us.
I think I found the small bow from this essay. It's perfect.
I spent my first sober NYE at home with my parents. I flew from rehab directly to their house for Christmas, desperately clutching a copy of the Four Agreements someone in rehab had given me. A man boarding the plane indicated he had the seat next to me and I had a complete panic attack because he was outrageously handsome - I usually got drunk on airplanes and tried to make out with whoever was next to me. He was very gracious with my insane awkwardness and asked me if there was a particular reason I was reading the book. I mumbled something about "taking a life class." He told me he was 5 years sober. We ended up having a great conversation and I did not get drunk and try to make out with him, and it felt like a great omen. Honestly I don't remember Christmas except that my parents took all the alcohol out of the house. I was mortified because I have two brothers who aren't alcoholics and I was ashamed they had to "suffer" because of my issues. I remember NYE. I spent it in bed with my parents. We all had pajamas on and watched a movie and I drank tea and was 5% proud of myself and 95% sure my life was over.
This NYE, 14 years later, I woke up (at my parent's house again for the holidays) to my 7 year old puking on me but I'm 100% sure I'm in the right place doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
This is am incredible story thank you, Emily!
Or this is AN incredible story. Incredible either way!
Lovely, as always. Thank you for this offering ❤️
Gorgeous, and true. Thank you for sharing.
"I was a hipster jerk-off then, but I went to find some molly." Sobriety brings a real reckoning with the self. Addiction is me thinking I'm cool, but everyone seeing through me to the suffering and pain. I don't have to hide anymore. Life will still be a vibe, the highs and lows as it should be, but I don't have to use over it. A guy in one of my meetings always yells out "USEFULNESS" when we're saying the 7th Step Prayer. It helps.
This poem hit me in all the right places. There are one liners in there I am going to spend days obsessing on/about. Heather Cox Richardson wrote a book on what happened at Wounded Knee, the massacre, that is worth reading but will leave you with a gut punch that will forever change December 29th inside your soul
Such a perfect sentiment-- if you're not ready to quit, that's OK. You can't choreograph a jumping off point-- they manifest on their own, and the recipe is top secret. For those of us on the other side of stopping, the job is to wave and encourage, to say, I think I know a way if you're interested. Now, I recognize this messaging might lead one to continue using (as if we needed a reason). But my experience has been that love, empathy and sweet-fucking-identification work so much better than judgy finger-wagging. Just keep moving towards us.
'just keep moving toward us'---- this, exactly.
Loved this...thanks much.