I loved this so much. SO much. And that last line is a kicker, isn't it--- the bad news isn't that we're special, we're different, we're addicts. No, the bad news is we were doing exactly what we were supposed to. It worked exactly like it was supposed to.
Thanks for this piece, so much. I've sent it to a number of sober friends.
I have never felt so seen by an essay. I have always felt like I had problems but I didn't have "A Problem", you know? This line "believing your addiction may not be addiction-y enough so you self-disqualify from even talking about a problem." I don't have stories of blacking out and ending up in a different state though I emotionally relate to so much of the feelings that folks share who DO go through the steps. And I have several addicts in my family for whom withdrawal and recovery and relapse were traumatic and difficult, and I feel like such an impostor. Since I quit drinking life has been wonderful and productive, and I want to tell the people in my life about it but I feel that weird shame of like, do I really qualify for 'recovery'? Was it really 'that bad'?
Thank you so much for all that you articulated in this piece, I will be thinking about it for a long time.
I loved this. I spent most of my first year of sobriety having these arguments with myself and my therapist. Impostor syndrome and survivor's guilt were the exact things I named as reasons for my reluctance to even talk about being sober for awhile, because it didn't seem hard enough for me to stop - although weighing the evidence, I'm sure the opposite case could be made, too. I appreciated the humor in this; "Your ACES Score Must Be This High to Change Your Life" made me laugh a lot and is something I'll remember the next time I'm trying to start arguments with myself again.
"The searing headaches and hangovers I woke up with at three in the morning did not care that they weren’t the byproducts of a good time, or even a bad time. My body was not interested in the difference between casual and crisis and its message was too clear for even me to dismiss."
I'm curious about Seabrook... did the wine cause him to start drinking again? Or was it a one off? That's my problem with AA is that it can be so stringent. I am 13 yrs sober, but in AA I'd prob have to "start over" since I've had one sip here or there of beer my hubby makes. (Confirms my taste for it is gone, so that's good) That kind of thing could cause people to just give up... like, well I'm back to zero days, might as well make the most of it and quit again later! Anyway, I hope both Seabrook and the author are doing well and gaining clarity and not beating themselves up. Thanks for sharing stories. It really is one day at a time.
You belong. Comparison is lethal. Only you decide where you fall on the spectrum. My hangnail hurts as badly as your broken leg. As they say in the rooms, “The elevator stops at every floor.”
This is fantastic and very relatable. I often bounce back and forth between, my sobriety is a big deal and it's not at all. Why does it have to be I ask myself. 6 years ago I really needed to quit drinking and smoking pot. With the help of Annie Grace and William Porter I stopped. I was honestly doing well, felt great, happy, maybe on a bit of a pink cloud. Then I joined AA and man did I spiral into self loathing and fear....... Quit AA after a year and have since explored all things sobriety. I think my mind works where I am susceptible to group think and possibly find problems that aren't there. I drank this much for 30 years so I must find out why.....? Your recovery needs constant attention I'm told. Your addiction is doing push ups in the parking lot, etc..... The recovery community is everywhere now, recovery language as well. Honestly, I'm a bit tired of it all and not afraid and super glad I don't drink any longer. Also glad I don't rely on marajuana. I always said that if I wanted to go back I would - just glad I know enough about alcohol that it looks like a Big Mac to me. And I loathe McDonalds. Again, thanks for such a great piece of writing and insight.
Wow. This piece was it. This is the biggest reason I don't attend meetings - because I feel like I wasn't enough of a mess. But, I know I was. But what if I wasn't as much of a mess as someone else? Ugh...cycles of comparison and regret and guilt don't stop. This is a sign to start showing up at TSB meetings. Baby steps.
I can understand his feeling of imposter syndrome, having not been a “true addict” in his own estimation. Although not for addiction, I know very well the internal suffering that feeling like an imposter can deliver onto our doorstep.
The story about being able to “smoke, or not” without it becoming a full blown habit is something to be grateful for, not ashamed of. So many of us that lack that ability are envious of such a power. It simply wasn’t given to us.
He is simply wired differently. He did not choose to be this way any more than an addict has chosen to be an addict. He just is. I just am. We all just are, or not.
His thought of an addiction spectrum hit home with me. I have been seeing a spectrum in almost everything these days. I see pieces of this particular spectrum in my own family; my own household, extended family, and my partner’s family. We are riddled with humans spanning the entire spectrum.
It spans from a human that can seemingly do whatever they want without the fear—or even the thought—of anything lasting forming, to a human that if a single drop of alcohol hits their lips it will immediately scramble even the longest stint of sobriety to have them entering crackhouses before the night is over.
We all must play our hands in this life to the best of our ability, but first it takes us opening our eyes to the cards we have been given.
I loved this so much. SO much. And that last line is a kicker, isn't it--- the bad news isn't that we're special, we're different, we're addicts. No, the bad news is we were doing exactly what we were supposed to. It worked exactly like it was supposed to.
Thanks for this piece, so much. I've sent it to a number of sober friends.
I have never felt so seen by an essay. I have always felt like I had problems but I didn't have "A Problem", you know? This line "believing your addiction may not be addiction-y enough so you self-disqualify from even talking about a problem." I don't have stories of blacking out and ending up in a different state though I emotionally relate to so much of the feelings that folks share who DO go through the steps. And I have several addicts in my family for whom withdrawal and recovery and relapse were traumatic and difficult, and I feel like such an impostor. Since I quit drinking life has been wonderful and productive, and I want to tell the people in my life about it but I feel that weird shame of like, do I really qualify for 'recovery'? Was it really 'that bad'?
Thank you so much for all that you articulated in this piece, I will be thinking about it for a long time.
I could fully relate to so many things in your post. I found lots of similarities to my own experiences over many years of social drinking.
Thanks for inspiring us to stay motivated to live a more healthy life.
NA beer just makes my life easier.
I loved this. I spent most of my first year of sobriety having these arguments with myself and my therapist. Impostor syndrome and survivor's guilt were the exact things I named as reasons for my reluctance to even talk about being sober for awhile, because it didn't seem hard enough for me to stop - although weighing the evidence, I'm sure the opposite case could be made, too. I appreciated the humor in this; "Your ACES Score Must Be This High to Change Your Life" made me laugh a lot and is something I'll remember the next time I'm trying to start arguments with myself again.
Thank you for writing this; nothing recently (or maybe ever) has resonated better with my experience of sobriety.
What does it say about me that I felt the most deeply for the employee who sent the riesling?
...and also, hell yes to this:
"The searing headaches and hangovers I woke up with at three in the morning did not care that they weren’t the byproducts of a good time, or even a bad time. My body was not interested in the difference between casual and crisis and its message was too clear for even me to dismiss."
I'm curious about Seabrook... did the wine cause him to start drinking again? Or was it a one off? That's my problem with AA is that it can be so stringent. I am 13 yrs sober, but in AA I'd prob have to "start over" since I've had one sip here or there of beer my hubby makes. (Confirms my taste for it is gone, so that's good) That kind of thing could cause people to just give up... like, well I'm back to zero days, might as well make the most of it and quit again later! Anyway, I hope both Seabrook and the author are doing well and gaining clarity and not beating themselves up. Thanks for sharing stories. It really is one day at a time.
You belong. Comparison is lethal. Only you decide where you fall on the spectrum. My hangnail hurts as badly as your broken leg. As they say in the rooms, “The elevator stops at every floor.”
This is fantastic and very relatable. I often bounce back and forth between, my sobriety is a big deal and it's not at all. Why does it have to be I ask myself. 6 years ago I really needed to quit drinking and smoking pot. With the help of Annie Grace and William Porter I stopped. I was honestly doing well, felt great, happy, maybe on a bit of a pink cloud. Then I joined AA and man did I spiral into self loathing and fear....... Quit AA after a year and have since explored all things sobriety. I think my mind works where I am susceptible to group think and possibly find problems that aren't there. I drank this much for 30 years so I must find out why.....? Your recovery needs constant attention I'm told. Your addiction is doing push ups in the parking lot, etc..... The recovery community is everywhere now, recovery language as well. Honestly, I'm a bit tired of it all and not afraid and super glad I don't drink any longer. Also glad I don't rely on marajuana. I always said that if I wanted to go back I would - just glad I know enough about alcohol that it looks like a Big Mac to me. And I loathe McDonalds. Again, thanks for such a great piece of writing and insight.
Wow. This piece was it. This is the biggest reason I don't attend meetings - because I feel like I wasn't enough of a mess. But, I know I was. But what if I wasn't as much of a mess as someone else? Ugh...cycles of comparison and regret and guilt don't stop. This is a sign to start showing up at TSB meetings. Baby steps.
I can understand his feeling of imposter syndrome, having not been a “true addict” in his own estimation. Although not for addiction, I know very well the internal suffering that feeling like an imposter can deliver onto our doorstep.
The story about being able to “smoke, or not” without it becoming a full blown habit is something to be grateful for, not ashamed of. So many of us that lack that ability are envious of such a power. It simply wasn’t given to us.
He is simply wired differently. He did not choose to be this way any more than an addict has chosen to be an addict. He just is. I just am. We all just are, or not.
His thought of an addiction spectrum hit home with me. I have been seeing a spectrum in almost everything these days. I see pieces of this particular spectrum in my own family; my own household, extended family, and my partner’s family. We are riddled with humans spanning the entire spectrum.
It spans from a human that can seemingly do whatever they want without the fear—or even the thought—of anything lasting forming, to a human that if a single drop of alcohol hits their lips it will immediately scramble even the longest stint of sobriety to have them entering crackhouses before the night is over.
We all must play our hands in this life to the best of our ability, but first it takes us opening our eyes to the cards we have been given.