Living Drunkenly, Staying Sober
And a call for March check-ins!
In this week’s reboot, A.J. considers the possibility of living “drunkenly” in only the best sense of the word — being spontaneous, present, open to the delights of the moment — without, well, getting drunk. The occasion for the original essay was the publication of A.J.’s profile of the actor Josh Brolin in GQ. Brolin, who is sober, told an interviewer in 2018 that he wanted to “live more drunkenly. Without ever taking a drink.” Of course, even for the long and happily sober, it can be hard to imagine accessing that level of disinhibition — that level of comfort — without imbibing.
On that note: It’s time for March Check-Ins. We want to know how you’re living. Tell us what’s up with your recovery or anything else noteworthy. The good, the great, the awful, the insane. We want it all.
If you’d like to participate, we’d love to have you. Help us help you help everyone.
The perfect length is 150-300 words. Here’s a great one from last month’s round up to give you an idea of what we’re looking for:
I started going to Al Anon a few months ago because of this newsletter. I can’t articulate exactly why it has changed my life, but it has. I think that’s the point — the mystery. I keep having these moments of intense presence that I’ve never, ever felt before. I was raised by alcoholics who were raised by alcoholics, so the prevailing wisdom was: escape and dissociate. Sever with reality by getting blacked out. For as long as I can remember, I’d been trying to escape myself and escape feeling anything because I was afraid of being overwhelmed by the pain. If I kept my eyes fixed on what was ahead or behind, I could outrun it. But it turns out, the only place where peace exists is right here. There’s pain here too of course, but it has to be faced. And it can be faced. And I’m so grateful to know that now.
EMAIL US HERE: tsbcheckins@thesmallbow.com SUBJECT: MARCH CHECK-IN
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Hollywood Handbook
Originally published Mar 1, 2024
I interviewed Josh Brolin for GQ last month, and it ran this week, but I was astonished by how much of our conversation actually made it into the story since we spent almost 70 of the 90 minutes discussing sobriety — his and mine — instead of Dune: Part Two, which he stars in and is promoting, hence why he agreed to be interviewed in the first place. (The editors heroically bailed me out of this jam later.)
Even though I’ve been a professional writer here and there for close to two decades, this was my first real-deal celebrity profile. I did a couple of them for Philadelphia magazine 15 years ago, but they were hyper-local celebrities: a bar owner in Manayunk and then another on an aging popular sportswriter, who was accused of sexual abuse two years after the story ran, so it hasn’t aged very well.
But I knew Brolin was sober. After many false starts and relapses that sometimes veered into embarrassing public spectacles, he celebrated ten years of sobriety last November. (He shared his chip on Instagram — it was a custom one that said, “Josh Fuckin’ Brolin.”)
Before I met up with him, I researched half a dozen profiles written about him over the past decade, and it appeared he’s allergic to the phrase “off the record” in ways most very famous people are not, so I assumed he’d be easy to talk to, but I still felt amateurish revealing my sobriety to him so early. But that’s how it happened the way it happened, and it turned out okay.
And, honestly, it’s tough not to lapse into the shorthand of recovery — guided by the hand of whatever guides you — when you get two sober people in the same room, even if one of those people is Thanos. The whole transcript is comically riddled with enthusiastic moments where we both said “YES!” to some observation before we could finish a thought. I tried to preserve most of it, but some of it sounded completely insane, like we’d both licked a Colorado River toad. I mean, it’s good insanity, but it would be tough to translate for the uninitiated.
But anyone who’s immersed themselves in some sort of spiritual program would recognize it was just two people basking in the psychic change that comes from long-term sobriety after many years of chaotic fucking up. It was an excellent assignment, and I wish more publications would pair a sober writer with a sober famous person. It’s good for the world.
And when I began the interview with him, I was very in my own head about how well I was doing in sobriety. I’m mostly happy — my life is abundant and magical in ways that were inconceivable eight years ago. But I went in there obsessing about this quote that Brolin gave to the New York Times when they profiled him in 2018: “I want to live more drunk. I want to live more drunkenly. Without ever taking a drink.” As I mentioned to him in the GQ story, I felt like I hadn’t unlocked that level, and I was rattled and a little depressed by that. “I can see that in your face,” Brolin said. So we picked it apart for a good hour and I let it all fall out of me.
He’s a good listener. Josh Fuckin’ Brolin.
Then, the universe intervened. Last weekend, Julieanne and I flew back east for one of my dearest cousin’s weddings. The service and reception were at a restaurant in Asbury Park just off the boardwalk, followed by an afterparty at the Silverball Retro Arcade.
I’m ashamed to admit I dragged my feet on responding to the invitation. As much as I wanted to be there, I began to overthink and became anxious about the dozens of ways I could become uncomfortable or, even worse, how I could make someone else uncomfortable at the wedding. It’s wild of me to think that because I won’t be over-drinking or doing lines off the top of a toilet I would somehow be “a distraction,” but my brain is a mess.
But we went, and I went for it. I don’t know what came over me. I danced like a loon while singing Modest Mouse at the top of my lungs. I posed for pictures wearing fairy wings. There was heartfelt hugging and loving — all of it. I even went to the arcade afterparty (but not the after-after-party). It was wonderful — I got to live a special moment drunkenly without drinking.
And not once did I think, man, this would be so much better if I were . . .
What a gift.
ALL ILLUSTRATIONS BY EDITH ZIMMERMAN
MORE PROOF CELEBRITY SOLVES NOTHING:
The Ballad of Tom Sandoval
Another Lost Soul at the Chateau Marmont
*****
ZOOM MEETING SCHEDULE
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*****
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This is The Small Bow newsletter. It is mainly written and edited by A.J. Daulerio. And Edith Zimmerman always illustrates it. We send it out every Tuesday and Friday.
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A POEM ON THE WAY OUT:
Disillusionment of Ten O’Clock
by Wallace Stevens
The houses are haunted
By white night-gowns.
None are green,
Or purple with green rings,
Or green with yellow rings,
Or yellow with blue rings.
None of them are strange,
With socks of lace
And beaded ceintures.
People are not going
To dream of baboons and periwinkles.
Only, here and there, an old sailor,
Drunk and asleep in his boots,
Catches tigers
In red weather.
*****
